[changmin/yunho] jigsaw boy

[apocryphalic]

title : jigsaw boy
pairing : changmin/yunho
rating : pg-13
words : 8888
summary : changmin's born with inverted pieces
a/n : based on the real life story of bethany jordan, the original jigsaw kid. story is extremely au, and while some liberties were taken with the medical aspects of the fic, most of it is factual. and as always with almost every homin fic in existence, for the genuis and my beloved, yuxo


He's known as the jigsaw boy, internal organs a jumbled mess with a heart that beats backwards, a right lung that's more like a left and five undersized spleens mixed in with a liver the wrong way round and a stomach that's too many centimeters to his right.

Since he was old enough to reach the mirror in his parents room, Shim Changmin's known he's too different to be normal, always a little too tired after a walk and more than a bit weak when it came to sports. His time is spent more in clorox heavy rooms with uniform white sheets than at home with his beloved mario kart and familiar stuffed giraffe.

He's told at twelve, when crying in the hospital for his recently deceased and always favorite uncle, that it's called Ivemark Syndrome, an extremely rare disorder he was born with. He looks it up on a stuffy day spent in the library, head drowning in words like progressive and life-long. At twelve, Shim Changmin stops dreaming of life as a brilliant scientist doubling as a daredevil race car driver, and starts planning for a life of hospital visits and ceaseless operations.

Changmin considers suicide at fifteen, a day short of sixteen he tries to hang himself, a makeshift noose of thick rope looped around a high arched beam in his room. He ties it wrong, too loose and the knot undoes itself under the pressure of his weight and sends him to the floor and emergency room, this time for a leg cast and temporary psychiatric stay.

He wakes up at four am, head hurting and arm tingling from the awkward position he's slept in. Changmin hears from beyond the door his parents, father crying and mother's reassuring words. He sees the dark shadow of his father's hunched figure, hands in face and low voice a constant murmur of "why" and "God help us" that stays in his mind long after he forgets this moment of wakefulness.

He closes his eyes, breathing in slow and as steady as he can manage to the soft rhythm of his mother's tennis shoes on the intricate waxy linoleum floor as she enters the room.

She pauses at his side, hand reaching out to push away random strands of wet hair and pull at covers he'd kicked off in restless sleep.

"I didn't let you die Shim Changmin, not when you were a five months old fetus with possibly Down's Syndrome and not when you were four pounds, two ounces shy of five and transfered to an incubator for ten days, I didn't let you die."

Changmin hears her chuckle, an almost sneerful mix of laughter and tears.

"Sixteen, when the doctors said you would never make it past birth. Tell me why it is when even they said you'd die, you live and when they say you've finally got a chance, you want to die."

He swallows, heart twisting from words he'd never expected and mind filled with images of his family, worried faces and tearful eyes keeping watch over his frail body from behind sheets of glass, always watching and capable of nothing more.

"I love you, I wish you'd love yourself the same."

Changmin waits for her to close the door, the harsh click of metal blending in with the infrequent beeps of his slower than normal heartbeat and sits up, hand ghosting over his chest, wishing he were normal and not a freak, all inverted pieces and awkward angles.

He meets Junsu three days after his birthday, stumbling half-heartedly into a room full of neighborhood kids his father had rounded up in attempts of cheering him up. The older boy sat in a corner, hand curled around a lollipop that turned his tongue a bright blue with every lick and swirl. They don't exchange words and it isn't until he's released from the hospital that they do, Changmin finding Junsu stuck halfway in the fence between their houses, bottom sticking out and hands tight around Mandoongie's collar.

"What are you doing?"

Junsu looks up, face a tomato shade of red and mouth set in a soon to be familiar pout, "Your dog ate my kimbap."

Changmin raises an eyebrow as he stares back at the boy, "So you thought that you'd capture him and what? Make him throw it back up?"

The older boy huffs, cheeks automatically puffing out and wiggles a little, an obvious attempt at freeing himself. "Would you just help me out of here?"

He sighs, bending down to face Junsu, "I would but I'm sick, can't waste my energy doing that, sorry."

Changmin reaches for Mandoongie, crinkling his eyes at Junsu and pulls his dog free, letting him jump into his arms before walking away.

"Mom says that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Maybe you just need to eat more apples," Junsu calls out.

Changmin stops and turns around, Mandoongie barking in his arms at Junsu who sticks his tongue out in response, "Does that really work?"

"Probably not but can't hurt to try right?"

Changmin finds himself agreeing and grabs hold of Junsu's hands to pull him out, occasionally panting at him to "lose some weight" and gets told "I was born with some junk in the trunk, so sue me." He manages to mumble in reply, "Some? Try a lot," before getting smacked in the head by an indignant Junsu who pokes at him for being weak.

They spend the summer testing out age old Asian health methods, ones passed from great great great great grandmothers and some Junsu finds in the weekly health column of the Sunday Soeul Times.

They discover eating apples are good for nothing but yanking out loose, about to fall teeth and constipation, Changmin getting checked into the hospital after not being able to release himself after a week straight of Fuji apples.

The whole "feed a cold, starve a fever" method Junsu reads about gets a fail from the two as well, Changmin explains he's a growing boy and not about to abstain from eating just because he's running a fever above a hundred, something he tells Junsu is a daily occurrence. And when Junsu upchucks after his fourth bowl of bibimbap, they find that feeding a cold does relieve a stuffy nose, that is if you're okay with an hour spent hurling into the toilet as well.

The duo finds that chicken soup on the other hand, does heal the soul and help fight colds, although they decide that Kimchi jjigae is probably more efficient, and much better tasting. Especially with a steaming bowl of rice and some japcahe on the side, they add.

By the end of summer Changmin and Junsu find that old Asian methods are mostly fiction and only a little fact, about ninety to ten if you were to ask for their honest opinion and if Changmin didn't enjoy Junsu's company, begrudgingly and definitely idiotic, he'd have written off that summer as a waste.

Changmin's hospitalized that autumn, his multiple spleens failing to help fight the flu he catches from a sneezy and very much apologetic Junsu. The older boy visits daily, bringing with him the day's homework which Changmin never has the strength to do and keeping him updated with the high school gossip, which cheerleader dumped the starring midfielder for the wing man just to get screwed in return, "karma's a bitch," Junsu tells him amidst bites of chocolate pie.

Junsu stops coming one day and when he asks his parents, they gesture next door, telling him how his best friend had gotten hit by a blue minivan driven by an impatient husband rushing to his baby's birthing. Changmin wheels himself into Junsu's room, IVs trailing behind and tightens the strings of his face mask.

"Su-ah," he whispers, hand gripping tightly onto his friend's bedsheets, "Told you to look both ways before you cross, dumbass."

Junsu smiles and shrugs, eyes wide with merriment despite his casted foot propped high in the air, "Eh, did you know that I'm getting paid for this too? The ahjussi felt bad so he's paying for my stay here and more. We can go to the amusement park this year for your birthday, my treat."

Changmin mumbles a few words under his breath that has Junsu giggling in a fit, arms flailing in the air and legs twitching from hard laughter. The nurse enters with a bemused grin and tell them to "Keep it down boys," to which Junsu replies with his trademark angelic smile that they will. Changmin waits for her to exit before squeezing close Junsu's nose, "Charmer," he scolds.

Junsu grabs at him, begging for him to help scratch that unreachable itch in his foot. Changmin only grins, handing him a long spoon and waves goodbye, heart a little lighter than it had been in days. Junsu curses back, a jumble of Korean and some English he had picked up from watching football matches on tv. Changmin lets the "Bloody hell!" echo through the hallway before closing the door and rolling himself pack into his room, lying in the bed for his next round of medication.

Junsu moves away the following year, having enrolled himself into a top University more than three hours drive away. Changmin stays, this is his home and more importantly, his hospital. He watches as Junsu drives off in his new car, a used to be blue Hyundai that the two re-painted bright yellow on a cool spring day. Junsu pinky promises to come back every break, holiday and summer vacation he gets. Changmin only nods and waves him off, eyes blurring with tears he doesn't want the older boy to see.

Junsu ends up driving down the block before braking and running back, enveloping Changmin into a tight hug, thins arms reaching around the younger boy's tiny frame and yelling at him to, "Better not die before I get back you sick son of a bitch."

Changmin cries, hiccuping back to Junsu, "Get off me hyung, you're heavy as hell."

Junsu ruffles his hair, and despite the scowl on Changmin's face, he shuffles closer, tucking a good luck charm into the back pocket of Junsu's pants as he gives him one last hug.

Changmin goes for a routine checkup the next week, arm already a map of black blue pinpricks and reads the set of manga Junsu's left behind for him. He finds a number and key that leads him to a locker Junsu's rented for the year, stacks of mangas and bottles of beers lining the inside. There's a cell phone nestled amongst the bags of chips and he opens it, prepaid and dials the number for Junsu's dorm room, leaving behind a rambling and cuss-filled message for his hyung, "Still stupid and idiotic," "Better study hard so you don't fail," and "I love you, don't call me back."

He accidentally presses a wrong button one day, letting it ring a couple of times before he hangs up, intrigued by the song that plays back at him during the wait. It gets stuck in his head, a jumbled chorus of "Ha ha ha has" that he finds himself humming along to.

Changmin ends up calling the number twice a week, always a couple of rings shy of getting the voicemail. He gets an answer one day, a mostly drunk sounding "Yobesayo?" and promptly hangs up, heart pounding double-time from getting an actual voice.

Yoochun finds him one day, sitting in the waiting room, thumbs twiddling from boredom and flipping through a magazine found lying nearby. He drops into the seat next to him and flings an arm around Changmin's chair, "Shim right? I'm Yoochun, Junsu's cousin."

Changmin stares at him, face a little tired and voice more than familiar. "Uh..."

"You've been calling my phone two times a week for the past month. It's getting old, either say something next time or stop calling. Even I'm getting sick of hearing my own ringtone," Yoochun says, yawning and slumping further into the chair.

Changmin continues staring, mouth not agape but wide enough to get snickers from the other boy.

"Junsu said you're sick or something, told me to watch after you and make sure you don't pass out till he gets back."

"Would he stop telling people I'm going to die? He'll jinx me to death at this rate."

"Don't think that's possible."

"Why are you here?"

Yoochun glances at the large-numbered clock on the wall and stands, stretching his arms in wide gestures, "Like I said, to keep an eye on you," he says, fishing out his car keys and clicking his tongue at Changmin. "See you tomorrow."

The doctor tells him he's as healthy as he could be and when Changmin mentions Yoochun to Junsu on the phone, the doctor also tells him that the "Park boy" is here as a juvenile delinquent, forced to volunteer for six months due to a drunk driving violation.

Yoochun shows up the next day, a thick book of physics in hand and a sandwich in the other. He offers half of it to Changmin and they read side-by-side, Changmin reading out the key points for Yoochun to lazily write down in his notebook.

Yoochun teaches him to drink bottles of beer and shots of vodka with soju on the side. He buys Changmin a set of mixers and a little black book of drinks, Friday night turning into a night of colorful cocktails with heady doses of alcohol.

Junsu comes home to find the two on the floor, Changmin passed out from two beers and Yoochun slumped on the side, hand slung over Changmin's waist in deep slumber from a variety of drinks.

He squishes in between them, pushing off Yoochun's arm and rests his cheek on Changmin's warm pulsing skin, tugging his drunk cousin closer as a leg rest. Morning finds them in a tangle of limbs, Changmin's hand tucked into Junsu's hair, Yoochun's leg across the youngest boy's own and Junsu's butt in Yoochun's face.

Changmin jumps the shorter boy, grabbing at Junsu and yelling at him for not coming back sooner. Yoochun watches in amusement, pulling a cigarette out of the cartoon. Junsu grabs it and throws it into the trash before he lights it, tsking at him for "smoking cancerous sticks and for endangering Changmin with it as well."

Yoochun pouts mid-yawn and picks the cigarette out of the trash, "I never smoke when he's around, I'm not that stupid."

Junsu eyes him uncertainly, "I don't know about that, are you still hanging with that Kim Jaejoong?"

Yoochun avoids the question, mumbling an excuse about having a full bladder and leaves them for the bathroom.

Junsu waits until Yoochun's out of the room to knock Changmin in the head hard, "What's wrong with you? Drinking with that idiot cousin of mine? He'll kill you."

Changmin rubs his head and kicks back at Junsu, aiming square for the other's plump behind, "You'll kill me. You're the one who sent him to take care of me."

Junsu opens him mouth to argue, hand reaching out to smack some other part of the taller boy but stops short when Changmin sniffles and masks it with a cough. Junsu snorts, muttering a soft, "Come here stupid," before pulling the younger boy close for a hug.

Yoochun joins them a minute later, wrapping himself around them and untangling himself in a hurry when Changmin kicks him off, yelling something about, "Smelling like pee," and "Wash your stinking hands."

It's the happiest summer Changmin can remember spending, the trio driving around in Junsu's car for fun and kicking each other's asses in video games on Yoochun's old school Nintento 64.

It's only logical that the best summer he's had would be followed by the worse autumn possible. He gets rushed to the hospital one evening, head burning with a high fever and body soaked with sweat. "Your liver is failing," the doctor's tell him, "We'll put you on the transplant list asap."

He spends two months in bed, fighting off nausea with Junsu's candy collection and sleeping off the fatigue with Yoochun's piano playing in the room. There's times he doesn't want to see them at all, abdomen so swollen he can barely breathe and disorientated poorly enough to confuse his two friends with one another.

Yoochun brings Jaejoong in one day when Changmin's feeling better, introducing the boy with blonde hair as his boyfriend and tugging him forward until Changmin can see the clear gray of his contacts.

Changmin coughs and Yoochun pours him some water that he sips from a straw, bendy and a pepto bismol shade of pink that Junsu buys in packs of fifty for him. He watches as Jaejoong reaches into his bag, a nice leathery brown with a thick shoulder strap, and hand him a glass jar of stars and a neat stack of cranes.

"My sisters said these things are supposed to grant wishes or some shit like that, maybe they'll work for you."

Changmin accepts them from the older boy with the black beanie and tucks them under his arm, falling asleep a few minutes later with dreams of college and love.

The next time he wakes, they tell him he's been in a coma, asleep for eighteen days. He finds himself tiring even easier these days, eyes too heavy to keep up for more than ten or so minutes at a time. Junsu sits by his side everyday, Yoochun and Jaejoong often there when he wakes anyway.

Changmin wakes up one night to find Jaejoong splayed out on the cot, platinum hair in mouth and studded leather boots propped up high. He sits up with some effort, ignoring the ache in his back and crosses his leg to stare at the older man.

They've only just met and already Changmin can tell Jaejoong's what his mother would call a sweetheart, he's loud and very much eccentric but he's also shy and so protective of Yoochun. Changmin finds the older man somewhat hard to get along with at first, a little on the cold side, but as he spends more time with him, he learns that's definitely not the case. Kim Jaejoong is excessive in everything, so full of love and life that he can't be controlled, laughing hard and giving even harder.

Jaejoong stirs and reaches for his glasses, knocking them over twice before finally getting them on as he notices Changmin up on his bed.

"Want me to get Junsu or Chunnie?"

Changmin shakes his head and gives him a smile, tired and worn at the edges, "I'm okay."

Jaejoong hops off the cot, legs swinging as he reaches to tuck Changmin's stray hair behind his ears, "Normally I hate it when people lie to me and you are far from okay, but since it's you, I'll let it pass."

"Playing favorites? Don't let Chun hear you say that."

Jaejoong scoffs, reaching for Changmin's hand to hold, "Like he doesn't already know."

Changmin laughs, and it's a strange sounding one, echoing oddly to his ears, unfamiliar and not one he's used to hearing.

Jaejoong strokes his hand, alternating between wide and tiny, "I hear you sing well."

Changmin shakes his head, "Su-ah's the singer, not me."

Jaejoong tilts his head, mimicking Changmin's shake of head, "Sing for me."

And so Changmin does, voice thick and breaking more than once from lack of use. But Jaejoong's got a hold on him, hands entwined and humming along to whatever Changmin sings, be it an obscure folk song or horrible pop tune he's heard on the radio.

Yoochun and Junsu join them halfway through, Yoochun attempting to harmonize but failing horribly with what Junsu labels as his "cigarette smoke ruined voice." Jaejoong nudges Junsu to sing along, chiming in himself with odd notes that despite their randomness, somehow managed to blend in just right.

Changmin falls asleep that night to the notes of music and laughter.

The next time he wakes, it's the doctor he sees. "We've got a liver for you."

Changmin thinks he smiles, lifting his head to look for his family and friends. He finds none.

"Where's the others?"

The doctor looks up from his pad, pen stilling in his hand, "They're downstairs. Unfortunately, Kim Jaejoong's been in an accident, he's currently brain dead."

There's more after that, words that Changmin doesn't hear, slipping out of bed before the doctor finishes and rushing down to the emergency room. He falls five steps out the door, nurses lifting him into a wheelchair as he fights to be where he wants to be.

He finds Jaejoong in bed, still and not the hyung he's used to. There's Junsu outside, with Yoochun cradled in his arms, the two bent together in loss.

The liver transplant happens hours after they say goodbye, Junsu saving a lock of hair and Yoochun stealing one last kiss . Changmin stays behind, waiting out the flatlining of Jaejoong's now mechanically pumped heart, the last moment of his hyung's life now imprinted with the new start of his.

He emerges from the operation room seven hours later with a dark upside-down Y scar across his belly and Jaejoong's liver stitched into him. The doctor explains things, tells him why he's attached to a respirator and why he's breathing through a tube, but all Changmin hears are medical terms, meaningless.

He looks outside of his room and finds Yoochun leaning against the shorter Junsu, their arms intertwined and heads propped together. Junsu gives him a watery smile and Yoochun doesn't, puffy eyes that gloss over him to settle on his stomach.

Junsu leaves again for college that fall, and Yoochun leaves town, calling it a vacation that everyone knows is something more.

Changmin's told the liver is good, perfectly healthy and operating just fine, as if there had been any doubt of Jaejoong failing him he wants to snap at the doctor.

He enrolls himself into college too, a starting freshmen when he should've been a sophomore like Junsu.

His first term is a jumbled mess, Changmin's forgotten what it's like to study, and his brain is on overload from the massive amount of information he tries to inhale. He throws up repeatedly for a week, unable to stomach solid food and takes to drinking coffee every morning, the hot brewed liquid serving as the main staple of his diet.

Changmin runs into a new barista during his second term, a tall and insanely handsome young man he mistaken takes for a model. He reads the name tag in what he hopes is a subtle manner, mock coughing into his hand and lowering his eyes to memorize the five letters, Yunho, in his mind.

He picks up his venti coffee at the counter, watching the smooth rippling of Yunho's muscles as he reaches to change the filter for the coffee machine.

"Changmin, venti coffee."

Changmin reaches over for it, a thank you on his lips and gets a "you're welcome" accompanied with a customer service ready smile that doesn't dazzle him but does somehow short circuit his brain to body messaging system and "move towards door" becomes "trip over own two feet."

Yunho's out of the counter in a beat, helping him up with a steady hand and soft smile on his face, he reaches for Changmin's now empty cup of coffee, "I'll get you another cup."

Changmin mentally chastises himself for the fail, kicking the figurative Shim Changmin in the balls, hard and repetitively. He takes a bit of pleasure in the pain faux-Shim Changmin suffers but it's erased when Yunho gives him the new cup of coffee, an added, "Be careful with that."

He ends up at the coffee shop seven days out of the week, the coffee nearly as addicting as the young man behind the counter. There aren't many words exchanged, always the typically polite "thank yous" and "may I take your order?"

Changmin finds a hot sandwich next to his regular coffee and is ready to tell Yunho he's made a mistake when he finds the note on the napkin, "Coffee on an empty stomach will kill you, sandwich is on me."

He looks up from his seat to find Yunho waving at him, a wide smile on his face that Changmin reciprocates, laughing as the older man turns around only to bump into the cappuccino machine and knock over the stack of plastic cups.

Changmin discovers that Yunho is clumsy and has an uncanny knack for overturning things and burning himself. He figures that if Yunho weren't as model-esque and such eye candy, Starbucks probably wouldn't have hired him, the loss would outweigh the profit.

Changmin wakes up too early on a Sunday morning, heart beating far faster than it should be. He hesitates, calling Junsu and then Yoochun only to have both his calls unanswered. He ends up calling a taxi and checking himself into the hospital, the staff there already familiar with this his seventh visit of the year.

He's sitting in his room, mostly bored and munching on an apple when he spots a Yunho shaped blur pass by his room. Wondering if he's suddenly having hallucinations on top of his already shit health, Changmin clambers out of bed and peeks out to find a less blur-like Yunho seated on a plastic chair in the hallway.

He contemplates being friendly and approaching the older man but doesn't, unwilling to have the conversation eventually escalate to him having to explain how he's the jigsaw boy, infamous since birth and constantly defying expectations to just drop dead and die with every breath he takes.

Yunho leaves an hour later with a bandaged hand and cheerful smile, biding the nurses goodbye by their names. Changmin lingers around afterwards and picks up on some gossip, "U-know-rous" and "VIP patient," on the tips of everyone's tongues. He's eventually shooed back into his room for medication and rest. By the time he closes his eyes, it's an image of Yunho, grinning and hooked up to various beeping machines he sees in his mind.

Changmin goes in for coffee the following week and finds Yunho wiping down tables, bandaged hand rendering him incapable of doing more. He finds out the older man had sliced open his palm with a knife while trying to open a box shipment of straws. Yunho greets him with a cup of coffee, extra large and hot with two packets of raw sugar and barely any milk.

"Changmin-sshi, enjoy your drink."

Yunho walks away, narrowly avoiding the edge of the wall and moves on to the next table, rag in hand and humming a song under his breath that reminds Changmin of Jaejoong and hospital visits.

Maybe it's the memory of Jaejoong, all smiles and caring gestures that prompts Changmin to approach Yunho, or maybe it's just the jeans the other man's wearing, bright blue and tight in all the right spots.

"Uh, Yunho-"

"Changmin-sshi? How may I help you?"

"Can I buy you a cup of coffee?"

Yunho crosses him arms and thinks, actually thinks, "But I have an employee discount, thirty percent off all Starbucks products. It wouldn't be worth it for you to buy me anything."

Changmin's grip around his cup tightens, brain telling him to flee and lower regions telling him to stay, especially if the happy bulge Yunho's donning is indicative of anything.

"I want to buy it anyway."

"But it's not worth it. How about I buy you a cup of coffee instead?"

Changmin gapes at him, mouth probably wide enough to catch flies and a variety of other insects, "How about we go somewhere you don't get a discount and I buy you coffee there?"

Yunho shuffles his feet, leaning against the table, "I don't actually like coffee..."

"TEA. I'LL BUY YOU TEA!" Changmin says loudly, filled with a sudden urge to knock his ceramic mug against Yunho thick yet small skull.

Yunho smiles, chucks the rag and gives him a thumbs up, "There's a pastry shop two blocks down, the tea isn't that good but the hot chocolate there is."

"It's the dead of summer..."

Yunho ignores him, turning to yell at his coworker behind the register, "Taking my lunch break Heechhul-hyung, be back in twenty okay?"

Yunho's hyung, a skinny and obviously gay young man in barbie pink jeans turns to give Changmin a scrutinizing look-over, "Take an hour."

Yunho blushes and grabs hold of Changmin's arm, "Let's go Changmin-sshi, if we stay any longer I think Heechul-hyung will ask you out for some coffee."

"Just call me Changmin."

Yunho squeezes his arm slightly before letting go, "Changmin," he says once, tesing out the name on his lips. "Changmin!" he says again, much more enthusiastic and enunciating on the last syllable. "Changmin?"

"Yunho hyung?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe I should've asked you this before, but are you alright in the head?"

Yunho scrunches his face, hands coming up to cover both of his ears, "I can't hear youuuuu!" he sings childishly, shaking his head from side to side.

Changmin's not too sure what that says for Yunho's mental state but it does tell him that Yunho's too damn adorable to resist, and much less of a hyung figure than he had expected.

Hot chocolate is delicious, and when Yunho said hot, he meant hot, ordering them an extra extra large hot chocolate whose main ingredient was curry powder, and lots of it.

The sort of date ends there, Yunho already fifteen minutes over his hour lunch break. He pays the bill while Changmin's in the bathroom, and runs off not too long after, yelling at Changmin that he'd call him for sure and that he had tons of fun. It isn't until that night when Yunho's sitting on his couch, cell phone in sweaty palms, that he realizes he doesn't have Changmin's number, he never asked.

Yunho's face is the first thing Changmin sees upon entering the coffeeshop, "I was going to call you last night but I realized I don't have you number and so I-"

Changmin hands him a post-it, star shaped and a vibrant shade of green, "I know, you were kind of in a rush."

Yunho grabs at the paper and punches the number in, walking outside of the shop.

Changmin's phone rings, a melancholic tune that Yoochun had composed especially for him, and he can tell from Yunho's pacing outside that it's him.

"Hello?"

"Changmin-ah! Glad I caught you before class."

Yunho's voice is so ecstatic that Changmin can swear there are smiles bursting from the sound waves.

"Uh, yeah..."

"So, um, I was wondering if you're free next week for dinner. I'm not too good of a cook but my roomate won't be home and I can get us takeout. We'll do dinner and a movie."

Changmin's eyes are on the older man's figure outside, leaning against the fire hydrant at the corner, legs long and lean.

"Next week when?"

"Oh, I er...can you ask Heechul-hyung if I could get Friday off?"

Changmin rolls his eyes and finds the skinny man lurking nearby, "Heechul-sshi, Yunho-hyung wants to know if he could have Friday off."

Heechul reaches for his drink, a white concoction that Yunho later tells him was most likely a vanilla bean frappuccino with a few teaspoons of vodka, one if it's a pay day and three if it isn't.

"Friday? Depends on what's in it for me..."

"Heechul-hyung says it's fine."

Yunho whoops loudly over the phone and Heechul scowls at Changmin who in turn gives him a bright smile and thanks him for the coffee.

Dinner is predictably ruined, Yunho leaves the fire on too high and burns the fried rice, filling the entire apartment with the scent of kimchi and soup that neither gets to eat. Changmin orders pizza, pepperoni on his side and mushrooms for Yunho.

The movie's a no go that night, Changmin doesn't realize Yunho's allergic to mushrooms and the older man was much too kind, and stupid, to tell Changmin the truth. Yunho ends up blowing up to the approximate size of Changmin's cousin, thrice removed, in other words, Yunho gets puffy and big, really big.

Six dates later, Changmin still hasn't told Yunho he's sick and most likely will remain sick his entire life. He isn't sure of their relationship status and if he were to be honest, he likes Yunho and there's still a part of him that's unsure of them together.

Changmin ends up at Yunho's half the time, his dorm room too small and shared with someone who's almost always there whereas Yunho's got a room to himself and a roommate who never bothers them.

There's a bit of unintentional groping one night, Yunho and Changmin both too tall to fit onto the couch at the same time. Yunho leans too far in and Changmin ends up partially on his lap.

"Uh..."

"Right."

Changmin moves closer and awkwardly kisses Yunho, fumbling in the dark for somewhere to put his hands and somehow finds his way to Yunho's crotch, immediately recoiling and falling hard onto the floor.

"That went well," Changmin huffs as he gets up, shoving Yunho for some room on the couch with his socked foot.

Yunho nudges him and turns on the dvd, "Want to try again?"

Changmin grins, pulling on Yunho's collar until they're lying sideways together and touching again, and this time, Changmin thinks, it's almost perfect.

--------------------------------

Junsu returns home that summer to find Changmin and Yunho in the bedroom, half-dressed and hands busy doing things he'd rather not walk in on ever.

"Um...awkward, awkward, really really awkward."

Changmin pauses in his kissing of Yunho's neck, angling his face so he could see Junsu pressed timidly against the door frame of his room. "Su?"

Junsu coughs, face a shade of red Changmin notes would be great if they came in jeans, "And this is?"

Yunho cringes, pushing Changmin off as best he can, zipping up his jeans and pulling on his polo before holding out his hand, "I'm Jung Yunho, er, Changmin-ah's boyfriend?"

Junsu stares at the hand and weighs his options carefully.

"Would not do that if I were you," Yoochun's voice rings in from the hallway, "Don't know where that hand's been."

Yunho stutters and Changmin throws a pillow at Yoochun, "Shut up, we didn't get that far."

Yunho takes a deep breath and gestures to the bathroom, "I think I'll be in there for a while, just come get me when it's less awkward..."

Yoochun gives Changmin a thumbs up, "I approve of the boy."

Changmin calmly gets up, pulling on his own t-shirt, "The boy is older than you."

Junsu sits on the edge of the bed, "When did you get back?"

"Just yesterday, Yunho and I caught the red-eye back."

Yoochun bounces onto the bed, knocking Junsu in the face with his fist, "So, how long have you and the boy been at it? Serious?"

Changmin glances at the door, a fond smile that Junsu hasn't seen since their first summer together, "I guess."

Junsu pushes away Yoochun's hand, biting a finger when his cousin doesn't budge, "Our Minnie, all grown up."

Changmin looks at Junsu's warm face and takes in the affectionate tone, lying backwards he stares up at his ceiling, a glow-in-the-dark map of some constellation that Jaejoong and them had pasted up one bored night.

"I'm nineteen afterall, hard to fight against age."

Junsu reaches over, hand too hot on Changmin's cold one, "Minnie, do you want to come with us to visit Jae-hyung tonight?"

Changmin glances at Yoochun, face blank and nods, "I haven't seen him in a while."

Yunho gets dragged along, the trio remembering halfway through dinner that he's still in the toilet waiting for word that it's safe to come out. Changmin apologizes with a kiss that doesn't end, Yunho curling his hand around a lock of hair and pulling the younger man in deeper, tongues melding in kiss filled more with passion than affection.

Changmin gets bundled into Yunho's hoodie two blocks from the cemetery, wind catching them all but the older man off guard. Yunho keeps their hands entwined together in a pocket, occasionally thumbing the soft skin of Changmin's palm.

Yoochun walks ahead, quiet and retrospective while Junsu stays with the lovebirds, occasionally quipping about the gag-worthy atmosphere that earns him a punch or two from Changmin.

They reach Jaejoong's headstone, a simple marble piece with his name etched into it, followed by the classic, "Son, brother, friend and lover," epithets.

Yoochun gets a few minutes alone, the others giving him enough space to do as he wishes. Yunho pulls Changmin towards him, wrapping his strong arms around the shivering young man, "Do you want to go alone?" he asks as Junsu takes his turn with Jaejoong, a soft smile on his face.

Changmin shakes his head, muffling his answer into Yunho's chest, "Come with."

Yunho rubs his lower back, "Needy," he teases, voice as light as he can manage.

Junsu taps them, gesturing for them to go on as he moves to find Yoochun settled against a tree.

Changmin leads Yunho forward by the hand and kneels down on the dry ground, "Jaejoong, this is Yunho, I kind of like him and I wish you got the chance to meet him. You'd probably be able to judge his character better than I would, you always did call me a naive fool."

Yunho leans against him, a heavy weight that grounds Changmin.

"He's neat and just the right height for me to snuggle with on cold nights, even if his feet are always like icicles. And even though he fails a lot in general, his food isn't half bad, and he already knows all my favorites so that's good. He's a little slow though, and he tends to fall on his face a lot, literally and figuratively. But he takes good care of me and makes me happy. I love him, kind of really do."

Yunho tightens his hold on Changmin and bows, "Jaejoong-hyung, I hear you used to make the best Kimchi jjigae around, Yoochun said he'd get me the recipe and that way I could keep this kid around longer. I promise to take good care of him and I'm not really as dumb as he'd like to think. It's just an elaborate act to get him right where I want him."

Changmin scoots closer to the headstone, fingers lingering on Jaejoong's face. Yunho gets up, squeezing Changmin a couple of times before letting go, "I'll be over there with the others okay? Take all the time you need."

Changmin waits till Yunho's out of earshot before crying, quietly heaving as he bends over, hoodie already wet with his tears. "Jaejoong, I miss you. Yoochun misses you, Junsu misses you. Come back to us soon okay?"

Yunho sits alongside the other two, eyes focused on Changmin's slight figure. "Did they used to be close?" he asks, voice barely a whisper.

Junsu glances at Yoochun before answering, "Didn't Changmin tell you?"

Yunho shakes his head ruefully, "He doesn't talk much about his past, just says he rather not remember it. He barely tells me much about you two except that you're his best friends."

Yoochun blows a ring of cigarette smoke into the air, watching it float off, "We were all close. But that doesn't matter anymore, just take good care of him."

"I try my best," Yunho says, getting up as Changmin approaches them, eyes a little red and nose runny from the crying.

"What a baby," Junsu teases him as Changmin finds his way to Yunho's side.

Yoochun smirks and tosses the half-used cigarette, "Always the emo one."

Yunho presses a kiss to Changmin's temple, "Was talking about you."

"Really now?"

"Yep, apparently you're the biggest crybaby to have ever been born."

Changmin sniffles and groans dramatically, "Oh no, now you know my deepest and darkest secrets. What ever shall I do?"

The leave the cemetery moments later, Changmin's heart heavy with unsaid things and Yunho's mind filled with questions of who and what.

Summer passes by quickly and soon there's only two weeks before Junsu's set to leave for college, and one before Yunho and Changmin do. Yoochun's decided to stay, having had enough with vacationing and being a "moody musician", as Junsu puts it.

Changmin falls sick five days before they're set to leave, running a fever so high it gets his parents scared. Yunho paces outside of the hospital room, sick himself with worry and tired of being told nothing.

Changmin wakes the second day in, fitful and tired from too many shots and medications. Yunho's the first one in after his parents, fussing about and babying the younger man.

"Doctor says it's just the flu," Yunho mumbles, kissing Changmin everywhere he can reach.

Changmin nods, still feverish and weary, "You'll catch it if you keep kissing me."

Yunho smiles and kisses him again, "Eh, what a measly little flu?"

Changmin glances out the window and back at Yunho, hand tightening around his.

"It's not just a measly little flu," he says, voice low and unclear.

"Huh? Is something else wrong?" Yunho asks, sit on the bed, eyebrows knitted with worry.

"I'm sick, always been sick."

Yunho shakes his head, "It's the flu, you'll get better, the doctor said so and your parents said so."

"Not just the flu Yunho! I've got Ivemark's Syndrome, I've had it since birth."

Yunho stares at him, still uncomprehending, "I-Ivemark's Sydrome?" he sounds out, much like he had sounded out Changmin's name.

Changmin swallows and sits up, "Jigsaw kid, ever heard of him? Born with five useless spleens, a heart with a bottle cap sized hole in it, two left lungs and a shit-ass liver that's good for nothing."

Yunho thinks back to when he was ten, dinner together with his parents and sisters, the television on in the background, blaring something about a boy with jumbled internal organs.

"You're him?"

Changmin nods, a wry smile on his face, "Shim Changmin, jigsaw boy, pleased to meet you."

Yunho stands up, fists clenched tightly at the sides, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"What was I supposed to say? 'Hi, I kind of think you're hot, want to get together? By the way, I'm sick and will perpetually sick. Now let's go have some hot sex.' Somehow I doubt even you would've found that appealing."

"And eight months later? Eight months in you couldn't have told me this in between the 'I like you a lot' and 'I love you'?"

Changmin glances at Yunho, recognizes the first signs of his boyfriend, maybe ex, getting angry.

"No, I never was going to tell you."

"Why not?" Yunho asks, teeth grinding harshly against one another.

"Did you not hear a word I said? I'm sick Yunho, nobody wants a sick boyfriend. This hospital, this bed and this body is my reality. I'll be here maybe ten years from now, maybe less, on my deathbed and there'll be nothing anyone can do about it."

"I don't care if you're sick."

Changmin scoffs, "You say that now." He grabs Yunho's hand and presses it against his back, breathing hard and waits for him to feel it, the awkward pulsing of his heart, backwards and inverted.

Yunho twitches and takes off his shirt, nothing Changmin's never seen before but under the bright fluorescent lights, it's the first time he notices the faint scar on Yunho's chest.

"I got stabbed when I was a kid, two centimeters more and I would've been killed the doctor said," Yunho bites back.

Changmin lifts up his hospital gown and points at the stitches, "Jaejoong's liver, that's the only reason I'm still alive today. Jaejoong's liver."

Yunho reaches for Changmin's hand and traces the scar across his left cheek with his fingers, "My mother left me alone on the veranda when I was two and I fell off it onto glass, cutting my face open. And the scar on my forehead? Not from a fight but a stupid book in the library that sent an entire shelf down on me."

"And I actually used to be good at singing, a "prodigy of a tenor" they called me, that is until I had surgery on my throat to get rid of shit hormones. I didn't talk for months and I don't sing ever."

Yunho glares at Changmin and lets go, "I'm tired of you never talking about things like this, things that matter to you and definitely matter to me."

Changmin doesn't bother looking at him, eyes focused at the bump of his big toe under the covers, "You should just go."

Yunho freezes, and clenches his jaw, a stubborn laugh stuck in his throat, "You're right Changmin-ah, maybe we weren't right for each other after all."

He leaves, the squeaking soles of his converses stopping right outside the room, door effectively shutting Changmin off from the rest of the world, and from Yunho.

Changmin returns to college a week after the semester starts. The first thing he does is submit a form for dorm change, choosing the ones farthest from the Starbucks Yunho works at and therefore avoiding any chance of seeing the other man.

He makes other friends that term, a short Californian boy with sun-kissed skin and deep-set dimples, Kibum and an even younger boy he meets at the new coffeeshop, tall and dorky called Minho.

They walk by Yunho's Starbucks one day, Kibum craving for a strawberry and creme frappuccino that Minho refused to make. Changmin doesn't go in, faking a phone call from his parents and waits outside, nerves a chaotic mess.

Minho comes back out traumatized, "Hyung, there's a weird man in hot purple pants hitting on Kibum-hyung. Says he knows you're hiding out here and won't let Kibum-hyung go until you go in."

Changmin peers through the tinted glass, catching a glimpse of the "weird man in hot purple pants" and sighs, "Heechul-hyung."

"Heechul-hyung, would you please let my friend go?" Changmin asks politely as soon as he's inside the store, keeping his eyes straight and away from the tall figure to his left.

Heechul scowls harder and gives Kibum his drink, slamming it onto the counter, "Listen here you little brat, I don't know what the fuck you said to Yunho but-"

"I said nothing. Let's go guys."

"Shim Changmin, you stupid son of a bitch, I'm not finished."

Changmin stops and eyes Heechul wearily, "I don't have the time for this."

"He came to me a week ago, drunk and without a fucking care in the world. He quit because you two were over he said and he 'didn't want to have Changmin avoid his favorite coffeeshop just because he worked here.' You're a stupid son of a bitch. And you let someone who really loves and genuinely cares about you go. He's gone and it's your fault, I hope you know that."

Changmin takes in the words, and imagines his Yunho, drunk from one too many beers and somewhere Changmin won't be able to find him. He thinks that maybe, this love might hurt more than the hole in his heart ever did.

He spends his time in the library and at home, cooped up and barely heading out except for when Kibum and Minho ganged up on him, dragging him out literally by the foot.

And even though Changmin's rid himself of all things Yunho, he still finds little bits of him everywhere he looks. A picture of dancing hippos in color tutus hanging in the museum reminding him of the older man, hands outstretched and pouting with him for a slow waltz. He finds a thick sweater in his drawer, white and fluffy with Yunho's scent still imprinted on it. Changmin waits for the day when he'll stop missing the older man and finds it near impossible to do so.

It's on a routine visit to the hospital for a check-up one weekend when he finds Yunho outside the blood donation center, a needle in his arm and a trail of red flowing into a bagged container.

He watches as Yunho asks about being an organ donor, if there's any choice of who his organs would go to and if it could be an anonymous donation.

Changmin's not sure what it is that does him in, the sight of Yunho lying on a cot with a pack of his own blood in hand, the idea of his ex-boyfriend and still beloved signing away his own organs for him or his heart just fed up with him, but he faints outside the room, eyes closing with Yunho's concerned face in mind and warm hand tight in his.

He wakes the same way, Yunho's body a heavy weight in his bed and hands still entwined together.

Changmin breathes slowly, taking in the short beeps of the machine that tells him of his heart failing and readjusting the lines in his arm so he can scoot closer to Yunho's warmth.

"I'm sorry," he whispers quietly, resting his head atop Yunho's.

The other man stirs minutes later, Changmin's breath a constant hotness on the side of his face.

"Changmin-ah?" he says, voice croaking a bit more than he'd like.

Changmin wraps his arms around Yunho, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Yunho shifts until Changmin's craddled in his arms, head resting against his heart and ear by his mouth.

"I love you Changmin-ah, love you so much."

"I'm sorry," the younger boy continues, voice breaking.

"For what? We were both stupid, well actually you were immature and I was a stupid stubborn ass."

Changmin lets lose a watery chuckle, "You're kind of hard on yourself there. I was a little stupid myself."

The doctor enters forty minutes later, clipboard and stethoscope in hand. "Changmin, good news and bad news, which would you like first?"

Changmin's got Yunho's hand in his and he grips it hard, "Bad."

The doctor moves closer, flipping through his notes and glancing at the two on the bed, "Bad news is you'll be in the hospital for another week, we're going to need to keep a close eye on your heart to make sure the defect doesn't cause any further damage."

Yunho swallows, heart pounding in time with Changmin's, "And the good?"

"And the good, well, the good news is that you're as healthy as you can expect to be, and definitely not on your death bed. Now if you'd be so kind as to pass that news onto your two friends outside, especially the one who threatens to 'stick a cane so far up my ass I'd need a surgeon to remove it.' I don't particularly like the sound of that. And the other one seems to cry quite a bit too, actually they both do."

The doctor leaves, feeling more than a little out of place with Yunho and Changmin permanently attached to one another, lips locked and limbs entangled.

Junsu and Yoochun trample in, each taking a hold of Changmin, leaving Yunho to fight for a spot with his boyfriend. He ends up on the floor, bum very much sore and a pout firmly set in, throwing a shoe at Junsu and missing, hitting Changmin instead.

It gives him a chance to clamber onto the bed, taking Changmin's face in his hands and kissing away the dark bruise already forming on his cheek.

The cousins gag, Yoochun acting so realistically he almost upchucks his burrito. Junsu sighs, settles onto the bed and let's the two go at it, figuring it's useless to try and fight with Yunho who could probably break him in half, if he weren't such a softie and Changmin, who would break him in half, if he weren't so weak.

---------------------------

Changmin grows into his body, still unable to gain much weight due to his odd heart but shoots up in height, with legs more than miles long. He joins a modeling agency with some pressure from Yunho, who plays dirty and withholds cuddles and post-coital snuggling from the younger boy until he had agreed to model some jeans.

Junsu meets Hyukjae, overly funny and a bigger klutz than Yunho ever could be. They start dating a year before graduation and not too long afterwards, fly off to America, getting married before a minister in a ceremony legally accepted in only a select few states.

Yoochun doesn't date, choosing instead to be an Uncle to Junsu and Hyukjae's adopted son. He starts composing songs, some romantic and some not so lovely. Every one gets dedicated to KJJ, his soulmate for life.

And as corny as it sounds, Yunho proposes to Changmin over a candlelight dinner that needless to say, ends up quite literally in flames. The candles overturning during Yunho's hasty drop to one knee and lighting the tablecloth, expensive and whatever thousand count, and they wind up cuddled together under a blanket in bed, Yunho's hand inside Changmin's pants and Changmin's tongue in Yunho's mouth. It's satisfactory for the both of them and after his nth scream of Yunho's name and right before his release, he manages to mutter a soft "Yes."